The Guilty Feeling
by Southern Steel
Summary: Merlin lays in bed one night thinking about how he killed Edwin. Gaius goes to talk to him about. Takes place after the episode "A Remedy to Cure All Ills"


_Merlin Untitled_

_Merlin sat in his bed, staring up at the ceiling, as he thought about the days events. He had found it hard, at first, to believe that Edwin had been using dark magic to kill the king. But he had seen Gaius surrounded by fire with his own eyes, and he knew as soon as he walked through that door that Edwin was planning something evil. It was what had happened next that still stayed in Merlin's head that night. He had killed Edwin. It was self-defense, he couldn't deny that. Had Merlin not used magic to send the enchanted axe back at Edwin, Edwin would have surely killed him. But Merlin couldn't get the look on Edwin's face as he realized he was abotu to die out of his mind. He had never killed a man before. _

_"Merlin." Gaius said as he quietly opened the door. "Merlin, are you all right?"_

_"Yeah," Merlin replied quickly as he sat up. "Yeah, I'm fine."_

_"Are you sure, Merlin?" Gaius walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. "You've been through quite an ordeal." _

_"I'm fine." Merlin insisted. He could tell Gaius didn't believe him though. _

_"For being 'fine," Gaius said putting infaces on the word fine. "You sure have been moping in here long enough."_

_"I have not been moping!" Merlin disagreed, "I just... I just..."_

_"You just what?" Gaius asked, his eyes twikling slightly as he watched his young ward struggle to find an escuse. _

_"Nothing." Merling said grudgingly, folding his arms across his chest. _

_There was a moment of silence, each man lost in his own thoughts. _

_"You know that what you did today was for good." Gaius broke the silence._

_"I know." Merlin replied, looking out the window. "But is that any escuse to take a life?" _

_"He would have killed you," Gaius said quietly. "He would have killed you, me, and Uther. You prevented him from commiting murders."_

_"So I committed murder in his place." Merlin looked over at his mentor. "I killed him, Gaius!"_

_Gaius could sence the inner battle that Merlin was having. They each knew the boy was in the right, but the fact still remained that he had killed a man. Gaius put his hand on Merlin's shoulders._

_"Merlin," he said, "I know that Edwin's death is bothering you, but you must remember that you saved three people's lives, your own being one of them. Had you not done what you did, Edwin was sure to have killed me and you and Uther woud have died as consequence. There is no telling how many people Edwin would have killed in revenge had you not stopped him. He was a madman, Merlin. He would not have stopped at Uther. He would have seen how easily he had gotten away with it and he would have killed again and again. You saved countless lives, Merlin."_

_His speech done, Gaius removed his hand from Merlin's shoulder and stood. Merlin looked out the window as he thought of all Gaius had just said. He knew that everything his mentor had said was true, he had seen the madness in Edwins eyes as they battled over the axe with their magic. But he had still killed him. Merlin looked at the floor as Gaius made his way out of the room._

_"Gaius," Merlin said before he could leave. "Wh...When does this feeling go away? The feeling of knowing you've taken a life?"_

_Gaius looked at the boy, sadness in his old eyes. _

_"Never," he replied quietly, "Unless you harden your heart like Edwin did."_

_Merlin opened his mouth to say something, but closed it as he thought of what Gaius had told him. He heard the man walk out of the room and shut the door as Merlin looked back out the window at the night sky. He still had the guilty feeling of taking a life, but he knew that it had been neccesary. Merlin hoped that he would never have to kill again, but he knew now that, if he must, he could. As long as the guilty feeling remained and he refused to let his heart harden, he would never take a life unless in self-defence. _

_Merlin looked at the closed door and thought abotu what would have happened had he not killed Edwin. Gaius and Uther would both be dead. He himself, might have been killed as well. And Edwin would have lived to kill again. Although he was not proud of it, Merlin knew that, in time, he would accept that he had killed a man. With that thought, Merlin blew out the candle and went to sleep. _


End file.
